Shared by eszpee
Egész elfelejtettem, de ez továbbra is az univerzum legjobb oldala.
This summer, terror has a new name: Elvis.
Imagine finding out you got rejected from community college, then finding out that your alcoholic father got arrested for domestic abuse, you lost all your life savings in aPonzi scheme, and all of this happens to you while you're on the space shuttle Challenger. Then you wakeup and it'sall a bad dream, except you realize that you're at work without clothes on, and work is NASA and you'rereally on the space shuttle Challenger. That's what this movie is like,only infinitely worse. Everything about thismovie pissed me off, save for the lesbian finger bang scene. Except even that sucked because itwasn't in the movie.
Here's the premise:
Bolivia. That's what's at stake in the new James Bond movie. Except not the entire country, just thepublic utilities. And not all public utilities, just 60% of the water... Yes, if a certain evilvillain gets his way, 60% of the water in Bolivia will cost more.
Only James Bond—the secret agent who foiled a plot to destroy London with nuclearmissiles—canmake water more affordable for Bolivians! This is easily the stupidest James Bond moviesince the last one. I don't know what Hollywood's obsession is with making jerk-off movieswhere the bad guys are "realistic." You know what's another word for realistic? Boring.If I wanted realism, I'd walk down the street to get Mexican food, and maybe stop by a Bordersand pick up some magazines. You know why they don't make movies about me shopping for magazines?That's because nobody gives a shit. And that's what Quantum of Solace is: me shopping formagazines, with no Mexican food.I don't see movies for realism, and if I did, I sure as hell wouldn't watch one made by some asshole whothinks "reality" can best be represented with the aid of 219 special effects artists. Which leads meto this movie's biggest problem:
Marc Forster is an idiot.
If Marc Forster was an X-man, his super power would be ruining brands. Question: what's the differencebetween Oscar winning director Marc Forster, and a first-year film-school student? Nothingapparently, because his movie is wrought with compromise and stupid film-school gimmicks. There wasa scene in the movie shot in Siena where Forster agreed to conditions which forbadehim from using helicopter shots or showing any violence "involving people or animals." That's why when agunshot wasfired into a crowd of thousands of people, you don't see a single limb explode. Emphasison you and not me because I imagined a scenewhere the bullet not only kills people, but is sentient and kills every singleperson in the stadium, starting with grandmas and horses, then when the lastperson is killed, the bullet turns into a hot alien babe who then proceeds to make love to myjunk, orally. Except my wiener is really a shotgun, and I blow her head off. Too bad, hottie!
As for the film-school gimmicks, Forster cram-packed this movie with symbolism. There's a scene wheresome chick gets inexplicably drowned in oil, and it's supposed to parallel an iconic scene fromGoldfinger. There's another scene in an opera house that "pays homage" to the Hitchcock movieThe Man Who Knew Too Much, and a planefight that pays homage to yet another Hitchcockmovie, North by Northwest.Then Forster made all the action sequences in the movie revolve around earth, water, air and fire. HOLYSHIT WE GET IT, YOU LIKE TO USE SYMBOLISM IN YOUR MOVIES:
Everyone always thinks that directors are super smart if they use symbolism,like somehow conveying something visually gives the movie some validity itwouldn't have had if the same message was conveyed through dialogue alone.But nobody ever asks: why? Why do pretentious artsy dipshits think symbolism is the holy grail offilmmaking?And yes, I know Forster was trying to say that oil is more precious than gold (it's not), and even if itwas, that message has nothing to do with the movie because THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT WATER. Does anyone otherthan James Bond nerds care that some chick was arbitrarily made to look like some other chick from anold movie? If you took the symbolism out of the movie, would it make any difference? That's arhetorical question, and the answer is my fist.Nobody cares about artsy gimmicks. Focus on making the movie not suck instead, assholes.
Marc Forster: part-time director, full-time idiot.
Characters from foreign countries usually speak english in a foreignaccent instead of their native tongue in movies, because subtitles don't sit well with audiences. It's sortof a cop out, but not a big deal because there's an unspoken agreement between audiences and directorsthat states: "we, the audience, don't want to read and in return, we promise not to make a big fussabout you dumbing down society and culture."
Well Marc Forster has done the seemingly impossible, and found an analogue to "english with an accent,"only visually.Every time there's a location change in the movie, the name of the country flashesup on the screen, but instead of using plain type, Forster uses a different fontfor every country. So when there's a scene in Russia, they use a font that looks kind of Russian, butis still in english.
Not only is it unnecessary and condescending, but it shows just how much contempt Forster has forhis audience. Hey Forster, you know why we don't need ethnic-looking fonts to illustrate the factthat we're in another country? Because letters placed in close proximity to eachother spell words that represent the names of those countries. That, and the obvious changein scenery. Where's your artsy visual symbolism now, asshole? I mean, this is some Windows moviemaker shit. Even my mom who's a total /b/tard and sucks at non-linear editing knowsthat using fancy fonts makes her a lameass.
Hey, guess who's still an idiot? Marc Forster.
The decision to set this movie in Bolivia was puzzling, because based on my knowledge ofthe geopolitical influence of Latin American countries, I posit the following: Bolivia doesn't matter.
In fact, none of the scenes in the movie were even shot in Bolivia (shot in Chile instead). But whatmakes this plot industrial-strength stupid is that it's based on a true story. Onlythey forgot to tell you that. What's it called when you borrow a story without giving credit? Oh yeah,theft. But to be fair, they did change the story by making it duller:
In 1999, Bechtel corporation signed a contract with the presidentof Bolivia to privatize the water supply in the 3rd-largest city, and shortly thereafter tripledthe water rates (source - new window).Yeah, that's right, they tripled the rates in real life... so when the bad guy in James Bond threatensto double the rates, it's like the producers are challenging you to give less of a shit. They took anon-interestingreal-life story and somehow made it less interesting than real life.
And finally, no review of Quantum of Solace can be complete without talking about howextraordinarily stupid the title is. I know people all over the world jumped all over it as soon asit was announced, but I don't think anyone truly realizes how literally the title is meant to betaken. So don't email crying about how I'm not the first person to point this out, becauseI am, and frankly I'm writing this as a gesture of charity by sharing my geniuswith the world, so shut your face.
Here's what each word of the subtitle means:
Quantum: Noun1. A discrete amount of something that is analogous to the quantities in quantum theory.Solace: Noun
1. The comfort you feel when consoled in times of sadness or misery.
So the title literally translates to "James Bond: A discrete amount of comfort feltwhen consoled during a time of sadness." In the final scene of the movie, James Bond finally catchessome dude he was chasing for revenge, and then Bond (Daniel Craig) shows off his acting chops byshowing the tiniest glimmer of a smirk, an almost infinitesimally small, but measurable amount ofconsolation.It's hard to describe how incomprehensibly stupid this scene was with mere words, so here's what itlooked like:
A literal quantum of solace.
Man, this review is like 10 pages long already and I haven't even started talking about the stupidboat scene (basically there's a 2-hour long boat scene where Bond gets chased by 3 boats, and itends when Bond just decides to drive off), or how Bond spies on the super villain by driving hismotorcycle up to a chainlink fence on a sunny afternoon and just listens to them talk. Quantum ofSolace is a shit pastry. Avoid:
I hope Transporter 3 doesn't suck!
477,006 people think Marc Forster is an idiot.
© 2008 by Maddox
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